The Last Bigot

This is a piece I started two months ago and then put down for a season. James Parkinson was a Pastor early in his life and is now dealing with old age and a feisty caregiver. At this point it may feel a bit like "Driving Mr. Daisy" but trust me it is about to take a distinctive turn.

The Last Bigot
By
Ken Bailey
© KenBailey 2009


SETTING: Back bedroom of James Parkinson. The once normally appointed bedroom now contains a hospital bed, a walker, two comfortable chairs, a rolling stand that can JP can use to eat from or write. In the corner is a tank of oxygen.

Time: Present

At Rise: JAMES PARKINSON is in hospital bed in his back bedroom. JP throws the sheets back and struggles to get himself to his walker positioned at bedside. After a few steps he looses his balance. He and the walker both fall to ground. He is wearing an Emergency Call button around his neck but does not reach for it. Instead he angrily struggles to right the walker and then pull himself up. It is now apparent he has wet himself. He struggles to get back in his bed. Just as he lays his head back he hears outside door open. He grabs a water pitcher on a bedside table and drenches his already wet pj bottoms. CARLA KING enters room.

JP: Well just in time. See what you made me do? You put the water too far away. I was so dehydrated, ten more minutes and you wouldn’t have to cremate me you could just take a whisk broom and sweep me into an urn.

CK: Ahh. Cremating you was one of the few things I had left to look forward to.

JP: What am I talking about the only broom you know anything about is the one you ride to work. I hope you didn’t park it by my azaleas.

CK: I put some new pullups in there. C’mon I’ll help you in there and then you are on your own.

(CK helps JP out of bed and behind walker. She steadies him from behind as he enters bathroom.)

JP: Close the door and don’t peak.

CK: I’ll try to resist.

(CK changes sheets, puts on clean mattress pad, makes up bed and mops up wet spot on floor where JP fell with walker.)

JP (from bathroom) What’s today?

CK: Friday

JP What?

CK: THURSDAY

JP: What?

CK: MY BIRTHDAY

JP: I can’t hear you.

CK: You’re kidding

JP: What?

CK: I said you are a mean old, bedwetting, bigot who should-

(JP emerges from bathroom)

JP: Don’t you ever shut up.

CK: Wait. I haven’t wax the floor there yet.

(CK crosses to JP)

JP: You know if I moved into a motel I would have some hour-glass shaped Chiquita doing what you do for free. And for a couple of pesos she would-

CK: Eskimos

JP: What?

CK: The three months I have been here I don’t remember you insulting an Eskimo.

(Helps JP back in bed)

JP: What’s to insult? They just sit up there killing baby seals, polar bears and six-packs while the wait for the next Valdez to come sailing along. You know I heard that captain had a red nose when all that oil started spurting out of that ship and every body thought it was from drinking. But I heard he had been up Eskimo kissing all night long. Now I’m not saying the drugged him but-

CK: BINGO!

JP: What?

CK: Now you’ve insulted everyone. What do you want for breakfast? As if I didn’t know.

JP: Eskimo pie

CK: What

JP: Eskimo pies are something good about Eskimos.

CK: You want an Eskimo Pie for breakfast?

JP: Of course not. I want two eggs,

CK and JP: flipped over with the yolk not runny and not hard, just right. Rye toast with Real Butter –

JP: None of that “I Can’t Believe It’s This Dope Smoking Hippie Crap” stuff. And bacon-

CK and JP: Three slices crisp but not burnt.

CK: When did I ever serve you burnt bacon?

JP: Never. Cause I always remind you not to.

CK: Do you wanna watch some TV while I fix breakfast?

JP: What’s on?

CK: You have 300 channels of cable

JP: But it’s all crap.

CK: Then you want me to leave it off?

JP: No, you’ve got me used to noise. Just turn on some noise. Is there a Western on?

(CK turns on TV.)

CK: I don’t know!

JP: My motel Chiquita would know. But we wouldn’t want the TV on. You know why?

CK: Cause she wouldn’t want to create attention while she ties you up and robs you blind?

(CK exits as TV show comes on. TV show is that day’s CNN or Fox News(recorded each day and played back at performance – permission is necessary) a commercial comes on (same at every performance and at an appointed time JP starts changing channels) At each quick change JP utters “crap” or “more crap” until he finally finds a Western and then cable goes out. One last “Crap!” JP picks up phone and dials. Waits and then speaks as if to voice mail)

JP: In case there is anyone there who understands English just wanted to report MY DAMN CABLE’S GONE OUT AGAIN!! And before anybody calls to lie to me and say “We come by and nobody home” I am ALWAYS AT HOME! I can’t Leave. If I could leave I would go to a country where they new how to keep cable on and Spoke English!
(CK enters)

CK- here we go two eggs scrambled and burnt bacon. Couldn’t find a channel with Eskimos?

JP- Cable’s out.

CK: I’ll call them while you eat.

(JP looks down at breakfast)

CK: You praying or looking for shells

JP: Neither although with your cooking I probably should pray.

CK: I got the cable number in the kitchen.

JP: I already called them. I had Joey put’m on speeddail. (takes bite of eggs) I used to pray alot.

CK: But women got the vote anyway.

JP: No

CK: Blacks got to play baseball-
JP: I need more butter. I wish this remote work on you.

(CK exits. JP takes a bite of toast)

JP: (yells to kitchen) This is rye bread. I said wheat! Rye bread is for sandwiches- with german mustard not for toast at breakfast! What’s wrong with you?

(CK enters)

CK: Cable is out for blocks. They said it should be fixed by 3.

JP: A black guy tell you that?

CK: Yes, but on the phone he was pretending to be an Indian woman. They’re sneaky like that. Every since one of them got elected President it’s like every black guy is Ashton Kutchar and we’re all getting punk’d.

JP: A man named Ashton? Bet I know what team he plays for?

CK: You done with breakfast?

JP: No, I still have to finish this rye bread when I asked for wheat.

CK: You asked for or demanded rye.

JP: What do you take me for? Rye bread is for sandwiches with corn beef or salamie not breakfast. I would never asked for-

CK: Oh, really?

(CK pulls out a small digital recorder, rewinds and pauses)

CK: Let’s go to the tape in the booth, shall we?

(CK hits play and JP is heard requesting Rye)

RP: That is against my rights-

CK: To be a jackass.